Couch Cat: You deserve a Merry Christmas

Jackie Wilson Asheeke

You should be staying at home or only going places with limited numbers of people because of this last COVID Christmas (hopefully). There is plenty of time to have some seasonal fun and treat yourself. For once, don’t worry about your size, waistline, jiggling thighs, wrinkles or a fat butt. Eat everything that you can afford to lay your hands on and feel wonderful doing it. Spoil yourself with that sweet cake or chocolate fantasy. Have great sex and giggle about it afterwards. This has been a horrible 2020 and you need a reward for making it through.

This year has been so full of things you cannot do; places you cannot go and people you cannot see (the way you’d wish). It is time for a holiday season that is based on REWARDS.

Auntie Jackie gives you permission to let it all hang out. It’s Christmas and you deserve it.

Here is the recipe – pile candy, cake, donuts, brownies, chocolate candy bars and whipped cream on a plate and stick your face in it. Get your favourite ice cream. Use a salad bowl. Eat. No spoon is necessary.

Next recipe – Braai the fattest steaks you can. Slop all the sauces and spices you love all over it. Add some BBQ wings and maybe some BBQ pork ribs and some cuts of boneless lamb. Add two packages of streaky bacon. Set up the grill in the back garden. When all is done and dripping with sauce, make a huge plate. Slam your face in it. Close your eyes and just bite and swallow. Lay back and rest a bit and then resume.

Forget about looking like a lion feasting on prey at a waterhole in Etosha. You ARE the braai lion. Your prey is that plate of vleis. You can clean your face and paws off later. Growl at anyone who approaches you.

Ladies out there, if you are isolated at home with your main man, it’s time to get busy. Focus on your love of him and let loose.

Going to him in the family room wearing a sticking bow on each breast, may not be sexy enough. Get the slinkiest, sexiest lace or silk or satin undies possible. Get it in black or red…forget about pink. Wrapping yourself in a wet towel and smelling like summer flowers is sexier than you think. Corner him and make him sing “Jingle Bells.”

If your man likes your breasts a lot, then wear only bottoms. Do a slow dance in front of him until he is upright (you know what I mean). Let him sit in a large chair or lie back on the bed. Jump on him and go for a ride. “Sleigh Ride.”

Of course, send the kids, parents or guests somewhere else – no distractions are allowed.

This gift giving is for all ages! If he needs his ‘little blue pill,’ there is no shame in it. Make sure he takes it at the right time. Grey hair and stiff knees are no barrier. “I Saw Momma Kissin’ Santa Claus.”

Men out there: get busy. You know what makes your woman curl her toes. Get on your knees, lay her back on the bed and worship her at the proper altar. This is no time for flags at half mast (if you know what I mean). Make sure the equipment is ready for action and do what must be done. Remember your love for the woman who loves you just as much and make her sing the 12 Days of Christmas.

Use your tongue properly and you won’t need any Christmas lights anywhere, you will light her up. “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.”

Let each other know your pleasure tactics are working. “Go Tell It on the Mountain”

Namibia went through a lot in 2020 and so did each of us. We deserve special gifts for making it this far. We cannot ignore the pandemic realities, high municipal bills, job insecurity, reduced salaries, kids with lower grades or family members without jobs.

Let a few days and nights this holiday be all about the REWARDS. Focus on love, hope and comfort. You deserve it.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from the Couch Cat

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