Couch Kitten: I am no man’s winter bed warmer!

Clementine Tjameya

When the days get colder, seasonal relationships get going. There are memes about this everywhere on social media where people are saying that it’s getting so cold that they might ‘shiver’ their way into other people’s relationships. As funny as that sounds, there is some truth to it. This is the time when most senior boys at varsity are on the hunt for their ‘human heaters’ for the next couple of cold months. Beware fellow girls, if he has known you very long and mysteriously claims to have interest in you just now, don’t fall for it. Don’t be his walking heater sis!

In freshman year I had a guy friend whom I had known since high school. He was a grade ahead of me so he was in his second year when I came to varsity. We continued being good friends until one day in July, on what I assumed was the coldest day that year, he texted me saying he was cold. I wondered how I was supposed to reply to I said, “You should probably get a heater.” After that text he said that I was so rude and barely ever talked to me again. It wasn’t until I told one of the girls I was staying with that I understood what he meant.

“He wanted you to go sleep-over, you dummy!” she cracked off in laughter. I honestly didn’t see how me sleeping over was going to make him warm. Wouldn’t it just be easier to just get a heater than having to look for someone to ‘sleep’ with whenever he was cold? From there I realised something: male senior students are walking around with roving eyes every winter, looking for their next ‘heater’ in human form. Freshman are more prone to falling for them because they are still so naïve.

Some of these men will even text you out of the blue blabbing about how they are bored and want you to visit. Who in their right mind would want to visit anyone at all with this cold? Everyone is too busy shivering the days away, so how and why are you bored? What are we to do during the visit, shiver together?

Freshman girls, watch out for senior boys. These people will use you seasonally and then leave you like you never existed.

If they ask you to visit them and you refuse because of the cold, chances are they’ll over to visit you instead. Tell them it’s too cold for you to go outside and open the gate. Some of them will want to manipulate you by offering to take you out to some fancy food place and so on. Ask him if that food place sells coffee, and if does, tell him to buy for you and bring it to you. Get that coffee and ask if he wants his money back, then slam the door in his face and get back in your blankets and sip on that coffee. I can assure you that boy will leave you alone and go hunt for an easy conquest elsewhere.

We are in a health pandemic and in the coldest part of winter. Circumstances are literally telling us that we have to lay low for a while. Why would anyone want to go against that?

I have decided that unless it involves food or answering annoying nature calls, I am not stepping out of my bed. And if it’s food I’ll definitely have whoever offered to buy for me include a coffee and have it delivered, otherwise I’ll pass. It’s too cold for anything: too cold for visits; too cold for outings; too cold to get out of my blankets; too cold to even take a scorching hot shower!

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